Overcoming Fear of Failure: Part 2
I Should Know
In high school, the expectation was that I would know.
It didn’t really matter what the topic was - I would know the answer. Or I should know the answer. I was expected to, anyway. I distinctly remember moments where a peer would comment on knowing something I didn’t or making a better grade than me. With a mixture of shock and pride, they would exclaim some variation of, “Wow, I didn’t expect to do/know more than Jackie.” Their intent was never harmful or ill-willed; they were simply expressing a thought aloud. And, they were affirming the narrative I had already created with no need of their help: I should constantly be aware of both stated and unstated expectations imposed on me by others and always meet them.
I remember one afternoon running around our school’s track - I actually remember the exact spot I was at by the scoreboard - when everything started to be too much. Tears pooled in my eyes as I thought, “I wish I wasn’t even smart or involved or semi-athletic. Because if I wasn’t, then no one would expect that of me. And if no one expected that of me then I wouldn’t have to feel all this pressure all the time.” At 17, the only way I could imagine escaping the pressure of expectations were if expectations did not exist.
The Dynamic Duo
Fear of failure and meeting expectations make a dynamic duo when they team up. I’m surprised there isn’t some kind of super villain that draws inspiration from them. But, perhaps that would be too dark for audiences to process. Because when facing fear of failure and a need to meet spoken and unspoken expectations at all times pair up to form the plot of someone’s life, doom is imminent.
Ok, ok, ok. Enough of the superhero movie analogies. Back to the problem: there is no way to avoid expectations existing. I don’t have that kind of control. You don’t have that kind of control. Now, there is a whole issue with people imposing unrealistic expectations on others. There is an even larger issue when people (knowingly or unknowingly) prey on fear of failure and have expectations of others that they refuse to articulate, yet still demand be met. But, this blog isn’t about addressing the toxicity of that or how damaging it is to the confidence and holistic health of those nearby.
No, this blog is about overcoming both the fear of failure and the need to meet expectations. Before I move on to that, however, I’d like to point out that not all expectations are bad. By definition, an expectation is “a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.” I expect Jesus to return one day. I expect to stay married to Brandon as long as we both are alive. I expect the light to be green for me when it’s red for crossing traffic every time. These are good expectations.
Who Are You Pleasing
Expectations become difficult when they are unspoken, unrealistic, or control us. When I was crumbling under the weight of meeting everyone’s expectations in high school, it’s because I was allowing that to control my life. I loved the Lord and spent time with Him often, but I didn’t fully believe that His approval was all I needed. Finding true freedom in this area means truly believing Christ met all the expectations required for holiness, so we don’t have to let meeting any expectations control us. We need to concern ourselves most with finding out what pleases the Lord. Thus, we need only concern ourselves with Christ.
Hebrews 11:6 says, “And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.” So, pleasing God is having faith and believing He exists. If He exists, then He must be who He says He is. If He is who He says He is, then He is our creator and redeemer. If He is our creator and redeemer, then it truly is for freedom that Christ set us free. SOOOOOO, He wants us to believe this and live free from the crushing weight of feeling like a failure because we can’t live up to the expectations that we perceive around us.
This kind of belief and faith is hard to put into practice. We are conditioned to make those around us happy and feel like a failure when we aren’t able to do so. But, this isn’t what we were created for. Like I said last week, it’s ok to not be perfect. It’s impossible. In the same way, being human means we will not meet every expectation. AND being human means we actually aren’t suppose to meet people’s expectations. We weren’t created for people, by people. We were created by God, for God. So if He’s pleased with us because of Christ, we can be, too.
I’d like to say I had my fear of failure all under control post-college, but there is a part 3 coming. *sigh* For now, though, I believe you can live what you know to be true. You can stay holy. You have the power of the risen Christ in you. And, oh man, do I believe in Him.
Y’all’ve got this!
Jackie
